I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
