I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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