Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
