I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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