is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
