Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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