i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
