I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
