i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
