So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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