I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
