For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
