god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
