I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
