Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
