The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
