Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sorry about my life...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
