a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
