we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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