wrigley field is MILF paradise
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
