ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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