I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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