You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
