I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
