I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
