is your mom at the bar?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
