we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
