This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
