Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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