Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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