Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
