tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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