haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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