marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
