I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
