areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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