So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
