new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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