I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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