I bet he comes in French.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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