She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
