currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
