Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
