I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
