Your face is a jimmy john
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
