i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
