We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
