you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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