I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
