I am in a vortex of obligation.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
