My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
